VIPASSANA – My First Step to Freedom

Over the years, I have had some definite moments of epiphanies that have revealed myself to me. However, the year 2021 has been remarkably significant. Between the Lake Tilicho trek that I undertook in April and the Vipassana Course that I undertook in September, I have truly discovered a small but real part of me. And discovering that part has set me free.

On certain days, the arduousness of the trek had shaken me from within that have left lasting realizations of human connect and grit in its waking. While the 10-day Vipassana course, with its exhaustion and exhilaration settled everything within and has left the profound realization of absolute equanimity and a lingering taste of liberation. What I am sharing here are the not abstract concepts of meditation but a true account of my ten-day personal journey and beyond.

I have never felt such indescribable bliss and such indebtedness to anyone in my life, as I felt on the seventh day of Vipassana with uncontrollable tears overflowing my eyes. Tears of gratitude for Guruji Shri S.N. Goenkaji. For, he not only taught and showed the path of truth but made me experience that existential truth at the very physical, conscious and unconscious level at the same time. I lived that elusive “Mukti” (liberation) in that moment.

However, there were six gruelling days before reaching on the seventh. In those first six days, I went through constant distraction – oscillating between past and future, frustration, impatience, doubt, fear and self-loathing. When I would sit for Vipassana, there was a desire to experience the extraordinary too soon. Incidents from the past would come up and stir unpleasant memories. Anxiety, irritation, sadness all crept in unknowingly. And then suddenly, a deep voice (of Guruji’s recorded audio) would remind you that it is this very anxiety and craving that you are here to get rid of.

Vipassana is applied meditation that teaches you to see the very physical manifestation of the hand-in-glove working of your sensory organs, conscious mind and unconscious mind – cognition, perception, sensation and reaction. Over persistent and patient efforts as your mind learns to focus, you start becoming aware of every minute sensation on your body – pleasant and unpleasant – pricks, throbs, shivers, itches, pains, tingles, tickles, coolness, warmth, etc. It’s the most unexpected enlightenment that will leave you flabbergasted. Waking up to a completely new reality from the slumber of your ignorance.

Buddha rediscovered this technique as a means to free ourselves from the sufferings of life. Some of us are very fortunate to be living beautiful and fulfilling lives. Yet, we shall go through the miseries of birth and death encountering several desirable and undesirable people and situations in between. Each of it generates sensations and reactions within us. The final aim of Vipassana is to liberate yourself from being the indulger and become the observer of each rising and ebbing sensation, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant. Sure enough, as one switches in the observer’s shoes, all the mental and emotional attachments inevitably begin to lose their strangulating grip over you.

As this entire process unfolds onto your own body, the experience is intriguing and more than surreal. Over several hours of determined hard work, there came a moment on the seventh day when there were only subtle vibrations flowing through every inch of my body at tremendous velocity. Like a conveyor belt of menthol running within every atom of my being. In that sublime moment, I felt completely whole and completely dissolved at the same time with tears streaming down at their own course. A state of perfect equanimity and harmony, sat-chit-anand, where there wasn’t the slightest craving to hold on to that ecstasy neither was there any fear of losing it. I set myself free of “MYSELF”.

I am not penning my experience as a trophy of some accomplishment but with a sincere hope that it shall inspire others to do it too. Also, as a reminder to myself that such a perfect state of calmness is not an intangible intellectual or spiritual idea. It is my own real experience that I must strive to live every single day. However, I would like to clarify that this was my personal journey and every meditator’s experience is very different and distinct. So, it would be grossly inappropriate and misleading to generalize my impressions or build any expectations of it.

For me, the most beautiful part of Vipassana came on the tenth day as we practised Mangal Maitri – the sharing of pure compassion and well-being with every person and creature in this world. This fountain of unblemished love and kindness naturally springs in your heart in that intrinsic composure which you want to partake with others. This gracious generosity and gratitude are the most empowering and liberating space.

However, no meditation is any good unless it is absorbed in one’s daily life. In fact, that is the test of it whether we are able to reverse the deep-rooted habit patterns of anger, envy, attachment and aversion. After Vipassana, I am much more at peace with myself and the world around me. This peace hasn’t made me dispassionate in my endeavours, responsibilities or enjoyments. It hasn’t made me more passionate also. But it has made me more joyous and less fearful.

Other’s might not see it, but I feel the knots beginning to untie in my interpersonal relationships. I am much more aware of my biases and attachments to the “I” and “MY”. I feel a lightness in my heart and a light in my mind. And to sum it up, I’ll borrow Rumi’s quote as did another meditator, “I am not a drop in the ocean, but an entire ocean in a drop.”

Written by Radhika Mimani

Week 41 November 2021