Looking at our parenting selfs.
Parenting and relationships with our children and all the people around us, are — what they are. They require a lot commitment, understanding, compassion and love. There is going to be substantial give and take. More give than take even perhaps. I forgot to mention acceptance. Exuding warmth and spouting unconditional love is all I want to do as a parent. Of course there is the risk of smothering your offspring, so I teach myself to keep control of my expressions to an extent. But at every step that I feel it is warranted I express my unconditional love. No matter what. Ego and expectation have to be kept at bay.
Above all be generous. Generous with your love. Generous with your time. This is all that people really need. Most of all your children.
When the kids were born I was very excited. Although, I never thought I would make a good parent, I was always going to try my darndest to be a good one. I also committed to myself that in trying to be a good parent I would not in any way neglect my relationship with my spouse. This is always a tough balancing act. In the younger days I let my better half lead the way. My promise to her was that I would play a bigger and bigger role as they grew up. That happened most naturally for me.
Over the years I moved from being this strict father, following and implementing rules, to a father who evaluated every situation and then took the best possible decision considering all the variables. It was not a case, that last time in a certain situation I took a decision, so now in a similar situation I must take a decision similar to last time. I stopped accepting precedent as a reason to take a decision, whether set by some past incident or as if I was setting one for the future. As time moved on I could not understand the need for discipline and rules.
Financially I never did very well and so I could not spoil my boys. Whatever little I could do for them I did whole heartedly. At some point I even disconnected from expectation. If I did something I did not expect them to express gratitude. I simply did it because it was something I wanted to do. I did not want them to grow up under the pressure of gratitude. In fact I disconnected from expectation for my actions in my dealings with all the people that I engaged with. I disconnected from the idea of expectations in return for something I did for anyone. This happened without trying.
There is no right or wrong in parenting, is there? As a parent you just do the best you can, given the circumstances. You take decisions as you go along, without the cushion of any training, without having the foresight about the impact of your decisions. Only later do you realise the impact every decision you took may have had. We can only take the best possible decision given a set of inputs and variables. Even parents are human. They make mistakes. Somehow from a child’s perspective parents must be infallible. They are not allowed to make mistakes.
I remember the time when our younger son did not want to eat at a certain restaurant. He was barely six years old. But I insisted that he eat that and I told him that if he did not eat I would bring him to the same restaurant every day till he ate the food there. After a lot of fussing he did eat that day. Now that turned out well as he grew up to eat all sorts of food, and to eat anything that was available without a fuss. But things could have gone horribly wrong too. That day I was not seeing any long term impact. I just decided I did not want to accept his tantrum. It did work out for us, I am happy for that. But there are many other decisions that I took that perhaps did not fall into place.
Schooling for our younger one took a drastic turn when we put him in a newly set up boarding school for a year. That had a very long lasting negative impact on him. It took us many years to undo the damage that decision did. He became from a happy child to a withdrawn child. On the other hand the decision to send our older one to a boarding school in Kodaikanal really turned out well. Now, ten years since he left high school, he still loves the fact that he spent two years there.
Parents do have a definite sixth sense though. This is wiring that takes place the moment you become a parent. Intuition takes over. Of course the boys have pulled the wool over our eyes many a times. That is simply because we put our trust in them. But many times we have allowed them to pull the wool over our eyes knowing full well the truth. Also we have caught them out many times and picked up on things they would never have expected us to do so.
All that aside, the one thing that we did want for our children is to be independent and self-reliant. This was a major driving force that influenced both of us. We wanted for our children to be free in thought and to become their own persons. Society will have its own set of pressures on them and they will have to learn to deal with that. Their journey must be their own.
Decisions and actions that we take have a great impact on our children. Whilst they are young, the parents are the primary role models. If we choose to point out at a restaurant that we have been undercharged, then we are passing on the lesson about honesty & integrity. If we ensure that their girl friends (not the same as girlfriends) are safely dropped home after a late party at our house, then we are passing on the lesson of treating women with respect. If we make the effort to look in on all the seniors around us, then we are passing on the lesson of treating our elders with dignity and respect. As a parent we have to realise that we are being watched and studied at every step. We have to make a conscious choice about the sort of role model we want to be. There is no right or wrong. Our value systems will get integrated in their lives only in this manner.
Many times I wish that there was parenting manual that taught us how to get it right each time. And then I wonder if any manual could prepare you for the journey of parenting. Even a manual written by God himself.
In today’s complex world the parenting challenge is probably bigger than ever. General society also puts a lot of pressure on parents to uphold millions of said and unsaid rules. This impacts instinctive parenting for each and every parent. At every juncture the numerous variables and the limits imposed by extended families and by society at large, make parenting decisions very tough. Unconditional love will always show us the way… There is no right or wrong.
I just know one thing, that as a parent I shall always do my utmost to do what I feel is best and right for our children. I shall let them chase their dreams and joys unhindered. And I shall love them unconditionally till I live.
Happy parenting!!
“What it’s like to be a parent: It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.” — Nicholas Sparks
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 14, April ’20
