Another ‘F’ word that’s loaded with meaning and emotion, the ideal of ‘true’ friendship can be an elusive thing for many of us with the pressures of modern life. In it’s bare essence, friendship is a relationship based on a mutual exchange of positive regard between people. It’s more than an acquaintance and yet largely free of the obligations of duty imposed on family as we are free to choose our friends but born into our family. The beauty of friendship is found in the quality of authentic connection between people, a rich possibility that can develop in the most unlikely of situations. Finding a true friend is one of life’s incomparable gifts, no matter how far you walk together.
So, what is meaningful friendship in the context of a world which is ripe with the opportunity to interact virtually through posts, comments and icons with friends on social media. Is there a difference and if so what’s missing? Without the soul-nourishing elements of deeper connection and undistracted presence, social interaction can quickly become superficial and meaningless. If you’ve felt lonely in a crowd or even in a close relationship, chances are that your soul isn’t being nourished enough with actual presence and connection. Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. While it’s nice to be popular, and there’s nothing wrong with it per se, the thing that matters here, as with everything, is quality, not only quantity.
My own journey with friendship is one of self-discovery. As a child, my family moved a lot. We lived in four cities and twenty homes by the time I was 17. I had changed schools and mates 10 times by this age. Academically I was bright, but socially I felt wrongfooted and struggled to bond with my peers. I felt different and like I didn’t belong. To cover the anxiety and shame I felt about myself, I began excessively taking cues from others who were popular, emulating them. It made me feel confident and I started to fit in quickly. To solve my problem, I became a chameleon. Intelligent, you might say, only I had created another, bigger one. I lost the precious connection with my essence in the process. Over time, I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted for myself. I struggled to be on my own. Although I had many friends, deep down I felt empty, lost and confused. For a long time, I believed that I was alone in this. Recently, my eyes were opened to the reality of how I had succumbed to peer pressure. The kicker, no one forced me, I did it to myself.
How do we make friends with ourselves then?
One of the biggest gifts in a friendship is the space to be yourself. Becoming your own friend involves spending time in your own company, listening to yourself and accepting your own experience of life without judgement. If you’re not used to doing this, it can be a challenge to get started. The best way is to start small with a consistent, daily practice of checking in with your feelings, needs and desires without trying to fix or change them. It’s more likely to stick if it’s easy, accessible and done over time. Just like all enduring friendships, this too needs the nurture of time and space to blossom.
As I grow in the ability to be authentic with myself, I’ve been able to show up as myself without the need to perform with front of others in order to gain validation. I’ve become more present and am able to listen more without constantly being in my head thinking of the next thing to say. I’d say this has given me the possibility to become better friend material instead of always being in search for the perfect one. Through this process, my focus has shifted to authenticity more and worrying less about looking good. It’s an ongoing transformation that nourishes, thrills and scares me in equal measure. In the words of drag queen, RuPaul – If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else. That means befriending all of yourself, including the bits that you’d rather not.
Finally, most friendships are based in agreement. The qualities we mostly desire are, someone to count on in hard times, someone to appreciate our genius, someone to chill and celebrate with. There is another level of friendship which is much more rare and very powerful, if you have the stomach for it. These are the people who ignite you, challenge you, hold you in your greatness and nothing less. To engage in such a relationship requires uncommon courage and enough love for ourselves to face our inner demons. We must learn to embrace our deepest fear.
To end, here’s one of my favourite poems by Marianne Williamson,
Our deepest fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Here’s to fulfilment in friendships!
Written by Monika Vijh
Monika Vijh is a transformational coach and facilitator. Her mission is support individuals and groups to break free from stagnation and embrace the aliveness within them to create a life they love waking up to. Monika grew up in India and trained as an architect. Her life experiences led her to discover the calling for deeper connections. She has two children and lives in the UK at the edge of a forest.
Week 4, January 2021