Love is magical, and yet a conundrum. Why you love someone is inexplicable. There are so many different ways to express love. There are so many different kinds of love. I love my wife. I love my children. I love my parents. I love my friends. I love my colleagues. I love humanity.
The ancient Greeks used seven words to define the different states of love we can experience:
Storage: natural affection
Philia: friendship
Eros: sexual and erotica
Agape: unconditional, divine love
Ludus: flirting
Pragma: committed, married love
Philautia: self-love
In my universe Love and Death are the only real truths. Well, death having a sense of finality, whilst we are alive love is the only truth. The one and only emotion that completes us. Love is blind. What makes two people fall in love is impossible to understand. Some crazy energies are unleashed and two people get connected with this invisible thread. A gentle, tender thread that is strong enough to hold two people together. Yet it is easy to damage and destroy.
Love gives you heartaches and joys. You can bask in love. Or you can cower in love. Love can be easy. Love can be soulful.
Soul mates are definitely possible. You have to simply allow it.
In my horizon any love with conditions does not work. If it is love, it has to be unconditional. Even if the recipient of the love is a cad. Although why one would shower love on a cad is difficult to understand. Perhaps the cad is sibling or a child. In some sense even a cad deserves love. Given unconditional love could lead to redemption, even for a cad.
In today’s world love can be ephemeral. Often we allow other things to take priority over love. Career decisions can have a serious impact on love. Ego can stop love in its tracks.
Some years ago I was part of relationship workshop. The psychologist moderating that workshop, in her mid 60s then, pointed out that in her interactions over the years she had come to the understanding that most young adults today will experience five significant relationships in their lives. That makes an average of only ten years with one person. Having only been in one significant relationship in my life, I don’t think I will ever be able to understand love in that way. What pushes the young adults today in this direction? Why is life with one person not enough? Something we all need to think about.
Before you can love others you have to love yourself. Only If you can love yourself completely you will be able to love others wholeheartedly. You will be the strength in a loving relationship as opposed to looking for strength to tide over your weaknesses. It is possible to love ourselves no matter what our circumstances may have been. Most of us find it really hard to love ourselves unconditionally or forgive ourselves, as we are our own toughest critics. It is easy to see our own faults and pass over our strengths. I am not talking about the narcissistic kind of love but the kind of love that teaches ourselves to appreciate our strengths and our ability to positively impact all those around us. If we are able to develop a strong sense of who we are and are clear about our value, we will radiate a positive energy and truly make a difference to our sphere of influence.
Loving yourself requires that you forgive yourself. This is very important. Only then you can rise above the habit of self-criticism. You will then be able to feel joy and you will be able to break the cycle of feeling less than.
One way to reinforce loving yourself would be to write a love letter to yourself. This will probably be tough as a concept to grasp. Might even feel a bit self-indulgent. But it would be best to internalise your value this way and surely the love you feel will shine through and be felt by all around you.
I am sharing below a letter I wrote to myself.
Dearest Mohit,
You are the most dearest person to me in the whole wide world. Well not quite as dear as G. But still you come a very close second. You are sincerely loved. I know all the little kinks in your armour and I still find you extremely loveable. Let no one’s judgement come in the way of you understanding how much I love you. I will never judge you, just unconditionally love you. I can sense that sometimes you feel that you are not good enough. Remember my love for you in those moments and I assure you that you will permanently be able to bury those thoughts.
You are honest, intelligent, wise and compassionate in every sphere of your life. And you have shown immense strength in dealing with every curve ball life has thrown at you. Your primal instinct to always look ahead is commendable. Your personable attitude and commitment has meant that you are able to establish deep connections with the people who matter to you, and you are blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love you dearly too.
I admire how you have been exemplary in all your roles in life — son, husband, father, brother, friend, boss, and most importantly a citizen of this world.
Always remember that to be able to live life in equanimity you have to always value & take care of yourself.
Much love always.
Mohit
Read this often if you need to remind yourself. Do whatever it takes to show yourself unconditional love.
At times reflect about yourself. Are you someone you would love? Be brutally honest in such reflections. Then see what you want to change about yourself. Be the father your children would want. Be the husband your wife deserves. Be the son your parents would want. This is not about judging yourself. It is about growing as a human being. About loving yourself even more. And in this lifelong process open yourself up to feedback from the people you love. Allow them to tell you. It is the best way to grow. Even through this process remember to love yourself unconditionally.
Love all the people in your life deeply. Unconditionally. Forgive and move on. Never be afraid to love deeply. As someone had said it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. When you love so deeply and openly you will be vulnerable. That is ok. It can be scary. But you need to allow deep love to flow.
Love is imperfect. Love is perfect.
Love is joyful.
Love is forgiving
Love does not judge.
Love is loving your weaknesses.
Love makes us better versions of ourselves.
Love is believing in yourself.
Love connects you.
Love is loving your imperfections.
Love is loving the person you see in the mirror.
Love is being your best-self every day.
Love is greeting people on the streets.
Love is giving yourself fully to every task on hand.
Love is believing in yourself and in the people you love.
Love is seeing beauty in everything around you.
Love is stroking your grey beard and thinking how distinguished you look.
Love is finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.
Love is a paradox.
Love can be awkward and graceful.
Love is laughing at the jokes that are not funny.
Love is healing and hurtful.
Love is gentle and tough.
Love is your strength. Love is your achilles’ heel.
Love makes you fly and yet ties you down.
Love is as necessary as your breath.
Love is fierce. Love is calm.
Love is astonishing.
Love is beautiful.
Love is never what you think it ought to be.
Love is what makes life worth living.
Love is pure.
Love allows us to be ourselves.
The roots of love are in ourselves. We have to nurture those roots and watch love grow. Our daily pressures get in the way of love. We have to rise above that and allow love to flourish. Only love can hold this world together. Love can clear our minds and give us the vision to keep our egos at bay and bring joy to the world.
When we are with the person we love we feel safe to expose the most vulnerable, the most fragile parts of ourselves. I for one feel extreme gratitude towards my significant other as she has done what would seemingly be impossible, knowing me completely and still loving me wholeheartedly. When with her, at no level do I feel that to be loveable I need to hide my true self. This crushing fear is set aside. She is truly the only witness to my life. A life full of ups and downs. A life filled with strife and joy. I know that whenever I return hurt and damaged by the ravages of life, she will be able to put me together again. She will be able to heal the wounds with her boundless love. I can live life joyfully, knowing that to her I truly matter. Knowing that I am accepted for who I truly am.
Don’t ever neglect the people you love. They must be priority at all times. In my view it is not about the anniversaries and birthdays, it is about the everyday special moments. The lingering kiss. The longer than usual hug. Gently stroking the hair. Patting the back for the little everyday wins. Appreciating the new dress. The tiny love note in your lunch box. Telling her how well she manages balance between work and the home.
Love keeps me grounded. Gives me a purpose for living. Love is my strength. When at our best, love is a passionate commitment that we constantly work to grow and nurture. In turn love enriches our souls and of those we love.
“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” — Nicholas Sparks
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 15, April ’19
