My experiences of a life on Autopilot.
Thirty-one years on autopilot. Vow. That is nuts. Abominable. Time has simply just gone by. Flowing into nothingness. Is that even a word? Probably is. As I sit and reflect in these relatively quiet times I wonder — What happened? What did I do? How much of an impact did I have on all those I touched?
Don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t been a bad life. In fact, it has been a good life. On a personal front I have nothing to complain about. I found and live with my soulmate, cheesy as that might sound, it is very true. It is that one area of my life that I feel completely fulfilled in. We have two wonderful sons who have grown up to be wonderful human beings. I do pray that their lives will not be on autopilot. That they will have the controls in their own hands.
I am surrounded by the most amazing friends any person could wish for. And I had a most stable family and home that I grew up in.
In hindsight there was a lot of thought, a lot of action but very little achievement. When I was just out of university there were all these dreams. Mostly about making a difference. About improving the lives of the people, especially those in the slums and on the streets. About educating people. I have this most solid belief that if our population had the basic education at every level then our world would be a better place. To be fair to myself, I did take some baby steps towards this goal. As part of an education trust I sponsored as many children as I could for their primary education. On the flip side, it just stayed too small. The sphere of influence going to a maximum of fifteen to twenty children per month. I was unable to make it into a movement. That underlying desire has not happened as yet.
It was the autopilot, I feel in hindsight, that stopped its growth. The autopilot took me through some storms and these storms consumed me.
There was also the desire to be a social impact entrepreneur, to support the SoCap (Social Capitalism) movement. Again, I was unable to find any firm footing in that. My efforts to invest in such companies as an angel investor never really worked out. Once again, to be fair, to myself I did invest in some companies, but that capital never grew and finally as most of them failed my allocated capital got wiped out.
It is that damn autopilot again. Or perhaps I can call it destiny. It just kept taking me on a direction that it decided on its own. And I continued to feel unfulfilled. It is this feeling that occasionally tightens my chest and I struggle to breath. Makes me stare from my window at the pretty tiny garden below with intense feelings of sadness. Not every time, but many times. And often-times the frangipani smile at me as they dance in the gentle winds and drain away that sadness. Mixed emotions.
I do so want the autopilot to land me in some simple yet charming space and allow me to live my life just the way I want to. To me it is no longer clear what “living my life the way I want to” is. The autopilot must show me that too in a way.
Why thirty-one years you might ask when I am now in my early fifties. At some level I feel that before nineteen-eighty-nine the controls were in my hand. Life responded to my command, didn’t just take my hand and pull me in some pre-decided direction. If I made the effort to do something, I did achieve what I set out to do. In these thirty-one years it is as if I have little or no control. Almost everything I attempt does not go in the direction I plan. Life seems to have a plan of its own. None of my plans fit into that. I not only feel out of control, but I feel restricted. I feel tethered to some path that I simply cannot fathom. Getting pulled. Helpless.
Often, I look for answers. Guidance. I look inward. I talk to people. We explore ideas and possibilities. After a lot of deliberation, I take some action. Only to find that the autopilot yanks me in some other direction. It is frustrating as hell.
Surely, there has to be somewhere the autopilot wants us, my soulmate and me, to get to. I just wish and pray that it reveals that to us sooner rather than later. And I just wish and pray that the place is as charming and pretty as I imagine it to be.
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 21, May ’20
