I wish I could give more. This is something that has always eaten away at me. Left me feeling sad and disheartened. Over the years I wasn’t able to give much to my wife or my sons. Not that I have not shared whatever I had. I am not a hoarder of any kind. If I were to go today my only regret would be, that I was not able to earn enough to provide well for them. Could not indulge them in any way. I love the idea of indulging. Many would say it is a bad thing. Although, I feel that some level of indulgence is good.
I do wish that I could have spoilt them a bit. Those who know me, might feel otherwise. Whenever there was a possibility, I did indulge them. I just feel that it was too little. And not very often.
My instinct is to give. There is immense joy in giving. Giving is a privilege. Giving is liberating. Give generously and do not expect anything back. It is not a barter. It is not a trade. Simply give because you want to. This is what works for me. At some point in my life I read somewhere the line — “His need is greater than mine…”. This resonated with me at the time and then became a part of who I am. This is my go-to thought the moment anyone asks me for anything. Once it is clear that the other person’s need is greater than mine, then I ever so willingly and lovingly give whatever I can.
“It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.” — Mother Teresa
I also experienced, that giving with love and joy, uplifts me. As opposed to giving grudgingly. As a younger person I definitely wanted to hang on to as much as I could. I lovingly stored and looked after that special watch or that special pen. Does it even matter? Life is short. Yet we all live as if we shall be here forever, despite knowing that is not the case. In this short, and at times, trying journey — do possessions really matter?
I wish I could give more to my parents, to my friends, to my colleagues, to causes, to anything that deserves to be given to. Education is a huge priority for me. I am convinced that basic primary education shall uplift our society. There is a world of people who need support in getting educated. I wish that I could do more for that.
I wish I could give not just resources, but more of me. There is never enough time for myself and even when I want to, I am not able to give attention to so much. I wish I could give more love to all I meet.
Acquiring material things, I find, gives me momentary joy. Giving, on the other hand, leaves me feeling good for a long time. In that sense I would say I am selfish — I want to give, to be able to experience joy. It reminds me about Ayn Rand’s book I read, when I was still in school, many eons ago — Fountainhead. She explains how we are all selfish beings; everything we do is for our joy, our own satisfaction. I guess I am no different. The thought constantly on my mind is — I wish I could give more. Over the years I have acquired many things — all seems so utterly superfluous to me now. I barely glance in passing at the art and artifacts lying around. What do I need them for? Does it fulfil me? Giving is definitely a fulfilling experience for me. The millennials today, would most definitely prefer experiences over possessions. Travel light in life.
A few years back I stopped wearing watches. Before that there was one watch that was very special for me. It had been sitting on a shelf since a while. Last month on our son’s birthday my wife suggested we give that watch to him as his gift. I was very excited with the idea, and so was my son when he received it. Very surprised and very thrilled. It gave me great joy to see that. Giving also makes me realize that I have enough. And now I had one less material object to worry about.
“My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants” — J. Brotherton.
Recently I indulged myself. Gave in to a strange yet compelling desire. Bought myself a new car. A car that I could have easily done without. But there was this burning desire. Something I felt that I really wanted. Honestly, I did enjoy the machine for a while. But now as I write, and I think back — there was just no need. Although it did make me feel that I could make things happen, if I put my mind to it. Swings and roundabouts. Swings and roundabouts as always.
The stresses of these last few years have transformed me to somebody I don’t want to be. My son pointed that out in a recent lockdown moment. And I could see what he was saying. Yet I have begun to love myself unconditionally despite what I am now. I love everything about me — my weaknesses, my failings, my lacks, my troubled knee, my pot belly, my shoulder ache, my aching fingers — all my imperfections. And despite my lack and my failings I still want to give. Give more. Share whatever is possible. I just wish I had more, to be able to give more. I find it so restricting when I don’t have that much to go around. When I am unable to help someone in need. It is utterly frustrating.
So many people have helped and supported me in my life. I just wish I can do the same for others in a timely manner.
When giving a gift we all tend to benchmark — reciprocate appropriately. This irks me. I just wanna give what my heart wishes, and my pocket allows. I hate measuring what I give.
Go on. Give with all your heart. By accident or by design we are here. Spread as much sunshine as you can. Feel that joy. Bask in that glorious feeling.
“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.” Khalil Gibran
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 17, April ’20
