FRIENDSHIP – What it means to me

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” I used to tell my kids meaning have lots of friends, when things are not going well in one area of your life you will have other friends you can turn to.  I encouraged them into a variety of activities outside of school so that they would have different groups of friends.  As it turned out, that didn’t work!  My older daughter has spent her childhood searching for that one best friend, she has lots of friends but not that special friendship. I think she is lonely and yearns for that best friend. My younger daughter from 3 years old only wanted to dance so it would make sense that her closest friends were at dance, but no, she met her best friend in kindergarten at 5 years old and they were inseparable throughout primary school. The pair were part of a small but tight group of friends that all went to different high schools.  Two years into high school and that group still search each other out every holiday.

What is it about that little group that still brings them back together after two years of high school?  They have wildly different interests, all of them are clever and a little bit quirky.  When I take the group camping, I hear their conversations range across many areas that would astound most adults.  They are interested in politics and discuss in-depth their views and family’s views with surprising respect.  They also talk nonsense and share laughter over the silliest of jokes.  They share their knowledge about adolescence and their changing bodies, newly ignited love lives and their fears for the future.  Most of all though, they just get each other and enjoy each other’s company.  That, in my opinion, is one of life’s greatest joys.

Most often friendships are formed through proximity, being in the same class or workplace, sometimes through a common interest.  Occasionally strong friendships are made through random situations when paths cross.  Maintaining a strong friendship is hard, women in particular are at risk of letting friendships slip away as their lives become busy raising a family and juggling a job, there is just too much to be done and not enough time to do it all.  I have several female friends who put a lot of effort into maintaining their friendships with their women friends.  I have benefitted from their efforts and friendships have lasted when I have been unable to put the time into being a good friend to them.  Being a good friend in my mind means making the effort to call them to see how they are, arranging dates to socialise, talking nonsense when they need distracting from the bigger things in life and sometimes just being there.  

I am able to chat to people easily, have good social skills and get along with most people but making a deep meaningful friendship is something I find much harder. In my lifetime I have had only a handful of really close friends.  My first best friend was Sharon, we met in our first year of school and did everything together as children do. We sat together in class and then talked for hours on the phone after school sharing secrets and interests.  We remained firm friends until our last year of school when we found we had outgrown each other.  We are still in touch, but it has never been the same.

At twenty I met Steve, my future husband and next best friend.  Over time we achieved the comfort and familiarity of a friendship as well as a love that does not require constant chat, rather the knowing of the others interests and needs.  He intrigued me and interested me, challenged me and always supported me, called me out when I was less than I could be, and I hope I was the same for him.  He was my everything, and then he was gone.  

An accident, a severe brain injury left my husband as a shell of the man he had been.  I suddenly discovered I needed my friends in a way I had never needed friends before.  They rallied around and supported me in so many ways; sat with me at the hospital, babysat my children, organised meals and tried to distract me.  Over time as life settled down, I realised that some of my friendships had changed, were deeper and more meaningful than I could ever have expected.  I am still awkward, and it constantly surprises me when friends want to see me. I still often let them come to me, rather than me seeking them out, the fiercely independent streak in me is conscious of never wanting to be a burden to them. These are my insecurities.  A few of my closest friends will often leave or finish a call saying, ‘I love you’.  It warms my heart to have friends that can say this.  I love them too. I have never said it yet, but I think they know I do.

One of my friends began checking on me every Monday night instigating TV night, it quickly became a precious evening.  A time to just hang out together and sometimes to talk.  She is one of the wisest people I know, incredibly kind and one of those rare people that draws others to her, makes them feel special and valued. She is a social being and thrives on having many people in her life, just as my husband did.  A trait they shared is that only a small select group ever become close to them whilst many are delighted to call them friends.  To tie them down, to capture them would be wrong, these butterflies need freedom in their relationships, but they make the best and most loyal of friends.

Social friendships are important too, they are what makes the everyday enjoyable.  The need to socialise with others and enjoy their company is a core part of us as humans and is a key driver in our contentment with life.  Old folk sharing the story of their lives don’t talk about the stuff they have or the colour of their new kettle, they talk about the people who were a part of their lives, their friends and the things they did together.  You can see it in their eyes and their smiles as they remember old friends.

Good friends bring a richness and a happiness to our lives in a way that nothing else can.  Friends are people who have your back and will support you but also interest you and you want to be with them.  I feel so lucky to have had all sorts of types of friends.  My younger daughter has already experienced both social and deep friendships, and it is my wish for my older daughter that she too experiences intense close friendships.

Written by Jenny Parkes

I was raised in the UK but at the tender age of 6 decided that I needed to visit Australia when I found out that pineapples grew on bushes.  I took off in my early twenties with my husband and spent a couple of years traveling the world by tandem, finally made it to Sydney and loved it so much I stayed and became Australian.  Now leading a more ‘grown up’ life as a parent and a teacher I yearn for those days of freedom and the open road, they will come again as the family grows up but perhaps not on a bicycle!

Week 2, January 2021