That sense of despondency that eats at away at your very being can be a real killer. My energy level feels like it is at an all-time low. There is not even the strength to lift myself out of my bed. But lift myself I did. Picked up my laptop and took a seat on my desk. The words roll out ever so slowly. Coming from the pit of my stomach. My breathing is tiresome. My body so desperately wants to lock down.
I want to eat, but do not have the energy to get what I want.
Why am I even feeling this way? Life is quiet. The winds are blowing. The air is cleaner. The roads are quiet. The silence is loud. The earth is happier. Then why is my spirit so dead. I am not even missing my regular activities.
There is no routine in our lives. I always hated routine. Spontaneity always drove me. If my heart said yes I would do it. It is the freedom I miss. Perhaps. I don’t really know.
Is it the uncertain new normal that troubles me? Is it that there is no normal that troubles me? It is as if my thought that “change is the only constant” seems to be the only new normal. I think I cannot handle how drastic this change is. We have nowhere to go. Nothing to do. And we don’t know how long life will be like this. We are all in hiding. In hiding from an invisible attacker. A very stealthy attacker.
I can only feel despair. Hope — I always hated that word. But now it is perhaps the loss of hope that is the cause of my despair. There is no hope and there is no trust in what the future will be. Yes, we must create the future we want by imagining it. What can I imagine in these times of despair? How can I kick myself out of this feeling?
What do I want from the future? A future that I might have only for a short while. I have not been afraid of death for a long long time now. But whilst I am here I did want a certain type of experience. That experience has escaped me in many ways. Perhaps the cause of my despair is that I will now never experience that future that I wanted. To hold and to hug whilst I lived.
The death of desire brings despair. Does that sound right. It sounds right to me at this very moment.
It was my desire to be surrounded by nature. To spend my evenings in the arms of the one I love. To spend my days enhancing, growing and contributing to the nature around me. To be able to touch the very nature that created me. But this nonsensical pressure to create wealth consumed my life. Worst part is that I did not even create any wealth. At this point I am loaded with debt and we don’t seem to have any means to deal with that debt. Perhaps that is the cause of my despair. I don’t want to leave my debts for my children to deal with. But as of now all doors seem to be closing for me. That is frightening. That fear grips me. My knees can feel that fear. Is that the cause of my despair?
The universe will open new doors. Perhaps. But I have to believe that. I must believe that. Only that will turn my despair to a renewed energy and a new drive. And maybe, just maybe give me that future that I so long to hold and hug. Even if it is for a short while. Even if it is for a short while.
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 13, Mar ’20
