Can you be more compassionate when judging others?

Mohit Gupta

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” — Paulo Coelho

As we go through our daily lives, we make several judgements each and every day. The simple ones are like, when we make a judgement about how hot a toast might be, before we reach out and pull it out of the toaster. I almost burnt my fingers the other day as I reached out for that perfectly toasted slice of sour dough. Mind you, it had just the right level of crunchiness as I bit into it after layering it with a generous quantity of butter. Divine feeling. Soul Food. My judgment of pulling out the toast at the right time made me feel good.

Essentially a judgement is an opinion, or a decision based on thoughts, feelings, observations and evidence. Several situations evoke a positive judgement in us. As in the case when we see our son get up early each day, just so that he can cook meals for the homeless and hand them over in time for them to reach the right people. This leaves us feeling proud and privileged. In these times of lockdown, I know of many individuals taking such initiatives. It restores my faith in humanity.

On the other hand, it can be intensely damaging when an unnecessary, hurtful or unfair judgment is made based on flimsy evidence. Aren’t we all guilty of that? I know I have done that on many occasions, in as much as I don’t want to. Sadly, we can get so deeply invested in such judgments that it can have an impact on many decisions we make. Many a times we make these judgments on an impulse. In great haste. On some gut instinct. I have a lot of faith in instinct, but at times we do end up making a judgment simply by looking at the cover.

Principally we judge people sharply when they somewhere don’t match our value systems, our set of beliefs. This becomes our benchmark for passing judgment. Or we end up judging people where we feel the weakest. The worst is that many a times we end up making such judgments a part of our set of beliefs. We end up convincing ourselves that our judgment is the truth. The person judged is tagged and compartmentalized. That’s it. Just like that. Horrid thing to do; but happens in micro-seconds and gets filed away. Time and again I ask myself, how do I avoid that? There is no easy answer. We each need to find our own method to beat this.

The moment I start talking to someone about the nuances of coffee, I fear that I shall be judged as a coffee snob. My defence mechanism then is that, I start by admitting that I am somewhat of a coffee snob. This overcomes my fear and makes my detailed chatter about coffee more palatable to my listener, who probably loves his no fuss cuppa of instant coffee.

Judgments block us and stop us from understanding the full picture. More often than not we end up judging people based on incomplete information. We do need to delve deeper. Be curious. Explore and make an attempt to understand the person better. Step back and keep the jury out till you can get more information. I now always remind myself that there are two sides to a story, and that I would be stupid to make a judgment without understanding the other side. This ensures that I keep my judgment at bay. I allow myself to be open to finding out more.

When I see someone doing something that seems out of character, I ask myself — “What is really going on with that person that I cannot grasp or fathom?”. Sounds like a simple thought, and probably easier said than done. Passing judgment is easy, and at times, it probably feels good to do so. However, keeping an open mind, being curious and exploring requires maturity, consistent self-control, empathy and a level of emotional intelligence. At times it may just have been a simple error on their part, being human we are prone to making mistakes. I have learnt to take incidents in isolation and not as a definition of character.

No matter the choices you make through your life — whether you are an entrepreneur or committed to community work; marry or live in; are monogamous or polyamorous, are spiritual or a party-animal; travel on a whim or live in the same city all your life, are super fit or just over-weight; carnivorous or vegan; adventurer or couch potato — whatever it is that you do, you are more than likely to be judged about it. People will see it fit to project their fears and their insecurities onto you and pass judgment on you. This can be particularly hard to deal with.

The biggest drain on my emotional strength is how I am being judged by my closest family and friends. This can be debilitating. Gut wrenching. Heart breaking. At times I just want to sit in a corner, curl up and cry. But the damn tears don’t even flow. These assumptions of how I am being judged, without any concrete basis, stops me from living fully. My internal conversation is that — but they don’t know what I am facing, they have not walked in my shoes. And I know that they all love me intensely and I love them. But it is the judgments from our nearest ones that are the most hurtful. Passing judgements is definitely an ugly thing and imagining how we are being judged is even uglier.

In a way this internal conversation of mine helped me judge others less harshly, it made me realise that I am not able to walk in their shoes. So, who am I to judge them?

For the longest time being judged was my nemesis. But over the last few years I have learnt to put this internal chatter of mine aside. Especially as I have grown to love myself, I have learnt that this is my life, my story and I have, and shall continue to live it to the best of my ability, on my own terms. Loving myself has also meant that I am judging others more compassionately, and most importantly I am judging myself more compassionately. The latter was even harder for me. We can be our own harshest critics; our own toughest judges. My ever-growing unconditional love for myself has helped me overcome this.

I have many wounds, and as I lick and sooth them, and pick myself up and move forward, I declare my resilience and my strength to tackle my life ahead.

“Not judging others is another way of letting go of fear and experiencing Love. When we learn not to judge others — and totally accept them and not want to change them — we can simultaneously learn to accept ourselves.” — Gerald G. Jampolsky

Written By Mohit Gupta

Week 13, March ’20

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