Love and Forgiveness is not for the faint-hearted. — Meher Baba
Are you able to forgive and let go? The ability to forgive is different for different people. For some it comes easily and some are just not able to do so. For some of us, forgiveness is selective. At times we can forgive easily and at times we simply cannot. Perhaps we are all like that. I think I definitely am like that.
Human beings are not designed to be perfect. Many aspire to be. Many think they are perfect. Many hunt for perfection in some aspects. In my view it is impossible to be perfect. Even the lengths of our arms are probably different though we were taught about the symmetrical human body. But it rarely is! There is of course beauty in imperfection. If we can accept the hypothesis that none of us are perfect, then it would be easier for us to be more forgiving of each others imperfections. Most of all we must accept and forgive our own imperfections.
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect — and I don’t live to be — but before you start pointing fingers… make sure your hands are clean!” ― Bob Marley.
Forgiveness starts from the self. Forgive yourself. Disconnect from the event. Learn from it. But forgive yourself for it. It is only an event. It does not define you. Not being able to forgive ourselves blocks our growth. Blocks our ability to move ahead with a more natural flow. In the same way not forgiving others also leads to emotional blocks for ourselves. How can we get past these blocks if we cannot teach ourselves to forgive. Nobody else can teach you to learn the art of forgiveness. You have to teach yourself.
Forgiveness allows us to heal. This emotional healing is critical for us to be able to move on. I find that once I can forgive I can easily put the past behind me. I don’t forget the past but I am able to move on. For me moving on makes the journey ahead happier and in many many ways easier.
In case you are not able to forgive on your own then don’t feel embarrassed about seeking help to be able to forgive. I would recommend professional help. Please remember that there is no stigma in seeking professional help. There is only joy and happiness in moving on. Do whatever it takes to forgive. Do it joyfully. The results will be tremendous.
Perhaps you could try writing and doing the forgiveness. A simple letter to express what hurt or upset you and how you are willing to forgive and move on. This need not be shared with anyone. At the end of the exercise simply tear the letter or even better, burn it and bury it or flush it away. See if an exercise like that helps.
Forgiveness only releases the stress in your emotional system. It does not necessarily excuse the event that triggered the hurt or the upset. It does not belittle the misdemeanour that may have happened. You do need to be open to assessing if you over-reacted to an event. Remember also that the person who may have caused that upset need not be classified as an evil demon. It could just be an independent event. Perhaps they had a bad day and overreacted to a trigger. Perhaps they were under tremendous stress due to other things going on in their lives. An unwell child, a fight with a spouse, a demanding old parent — any of these situations in someone’s life could make them unpleasant or crabby for a particular day or a period of time. You may or may not be aware of their circumstances. So please don’t earmark them as a villain. Make an attempt to understand the other person.
Forgiveness remember is a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. It is about grace and mercy and not about justice. Don’t worry if the recipient of the forgiveness deserves it or not. You may or may not even tell them. Forgiveness is for your own well-being. For your own sanity. It clears you of your negative feelings. Forgiving someone is a gift to yourself.
Let me illustrate the thought by recounting a story I had read long ago — Two ex-prisoners of war meet after many years of being freed. Let us refer to them as Fred and Harry. Fred asks Harry, “Have your forgiven your captors yet?”. Harry replies, “No, I will never forgive them.” Fred’s reply is “Then they still have you in prison.” That is the crux. We are imprisoned by our own emotions.
Jack Kornfield says forgiveness is, “for the beauty of your own soul”. That makes a lot of sense to me. He also explains that it is a deep practice of the heart and that it takes dedication and commitment. Perhaps for some of us that may apply, but for some it is simply easier to forgive. Like I said earlier it can also be selective. It could be easier to forgive your close friend but would be harder to forgive your boss.
An unfaithful spouse, a parental error or back-stabbing by a friend. In every situation we have to be able to assess what really happened and then, only then, we can decide if and how to forgive. Even if you choose to forgive, you can still decide to disconnect from the person involved. Forgiveness just frees you to move on. You just have to decide that you are willing to forgive. And you don’t have to hug and make up with the person involved.
Fred Luskin maintains that the reason to forgive is to able to move on. According to him, it’s a purposeful, intentional act we choose in order to improve our lives. Forgiveness and love must be an integral part of our journey if we are to live a peaceful and fulfilling life. This life is our journey. From birth to death. And only we can make our journey the way we want it.
What steps are you going to take to forgive and move on?
Written by Mohit Gupta
Week 16, Apr ’20
