Every day stories that are a source of inspiration.
Anger has so many colours, and so much has been written about anger. It is that one emotion that can transform us into the ugliest version of ourselves. Contrary to popular belief, anger in itself is not a bad emotion. It can be a catalyst for action and a motivator to beat procrastination. It can drive us to stand up for what is right, overriding our fears. The important thing is how you cope with and express that anger. Keeping in mind that anger can be blinding and numbing.
Well, yesterday we had quite the mother-son emotional outburst. The mother, my wife, was shaking, shouting on top of her voice, pacing, gritting her teeth and relentlessly not letting go. After a while it was our son’s turn. Also, very loud, pounding heart, pacing and tears welling up. I am not even going to explain the bone of contention. And in any such situation there is not even any right or wrong. There is just that crazy energy, that very destructive energy, that totally uncontrollable energy. Things can go in any direction, what with words unthinkingly flying about.
Guess, who was caught in the crossfire. Of course, me. Trying my damndest to calm both the sides down. Get them to catch a breath. Get them to bring their volumes down. Trying to keep the conversation to the mornings events and not allow them to become long-term judgements and definitions of character. It was very hard for me. Harsh things were being said.
At one point I realized that both versions of the story were inaccurate. That whirlwind emotion had tossed the sequence of events so much that it was impossible to get a true picture of what happened. Honestly, it was not even necessary. The trigger itself was irrelevant in this case. There was only one matter of principle and only that needed to be addressed. Again, for the purposes of this note, I am choosing to leave that out of this conversation.
During all the heated conversation the mother explained, that when she is in that fit of rage her brain is moving faster than her mouth. The two are so uncoordinated that she has no control over what she is saying. That she finds is very very frustrating for herself. So, we addressed the point that what does she expect the other person to do when she is in that state. This got her thinking. And she instantly began to settle, finally choosing to sit. All this while it was impossible to her to sit, how much ever I implored her to sit.
At that very moment, when the rage is uncontrollable, whatever the other person does is going to rile her more. If he stays quiet, then it is unacceptable. If he tries to explain, she will not listen. If he shouts back, then things will boil to a new level. There is no right action for the other person.
I suggested what if, like in sport, we just called for time out. Make that international time out gesture. Perhaps, on seeing that very visual action, she can just turn around for a few moments. Take a few deep breaths and then continue to handle the conversation.
This is where my moment of inspiration kicked in. She thought a bit. Then a bit more. And said yes that could work. We thought that it might rile her more. But no, she said, now that it was an agreed cue, she would deal with it appropriately.
This in my view was a huge breakthrough for her. And it really inspired me to see her take such a step. To take that step that will allow her to deal with her emotion. I fell in love with her all over again. Seeing her take this step to take control of her emotion as opposed to letting it control her.
After a brief interlude mother and son were communicating calmly again. Anger and upset set aside. New perspectives for all of us.
Would be great to know what coping mechanisms you developed with your emotional challenges.
Written By Mohit Gupta
Week 45, November ‘20
